The Places We Live

My House!

I’ve been thinking about the places I’ve lived throughout the years, and I’m wondering if some of yalls’ hoods have some stuff in common with mine. I’m going to list out some stuff. Let me know how much of this stuff is in your hood.

1. Cat Lady. You know the lady with either a million cats all over the place (and when you go to see her, you get cat hair all over you.. even if you don’t go in her house- she has a cat hair-shield that attacks any non-cats) or one cat that she treats like a human. She puts little shirts and cat-pants on it… or like a little stupid hat.

2. Ghost Neighbor. The person who lives in the house/apartment that never has any lights on at night, but you know someone lives there(even though you have never seen anyone move in or out.) You never see the person pull up, or drive away… then all of a sudden you look outside and there is Neighbor Ghost looking at you like you are wrong.

3. Crack-head/ Junkie. I say junkie cause now with folks doin Meth and smack or whatever the hell you call them new crazy ass drugs, crack is not the worst drug anymore(don’t get it twisted crack-heads, yall still need a well placed uppercut to the splean). Even if you live in a ‘nice’ neighborhood, there are prolly some junkies around there.

4. Pervert/Sex Fiend. This one is hard to spot sometimes. Sometimes this one is hard when you spot him. For a while they thought it was me in my neighborhood, but that’s not it at all. I just don’t give a fuck. Sometimes when you come over, I might be nekkid. That’s how I roll. It’s my crib. If folks don’t like it, then go away. Don’t come in and be trying not to stare, then get mad later like “damn Haze was naked with his dong all hanging out making grilled cheese sandwiches…pervert”

5. The Borrower. This is my least favorite of all. These bastards come by all friendly like ”hey neighbor… how you doin?… can I borrow some ground beef?” or something equally stupid. Then when you say NO, they get mad like ‘why can’t I use your stuff? You asshole.” (that’s when they get the ninja monkey uppercut from behind the bushes)

6. The Wild-ass Strong Baby. Yes baby, not kid or child…. baby… no older than 3. The one that you see shoot out of the car seat before the car has stopped… By the time the car has stopped the baby has already; tipped over 2 garbage cans,
broke somebody’s mailbox, drop-kicked the sweater off Cat Lady’s Persian Tabby, and threw a cinder block through Pervert’s un-marked van window. The baby be off the hook, and you can always hear him/her coming.

That’s all the ones I can think of right now. I know I left out a ton. lemme know who’s in your neighborhood!


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