The Office

February 29, 2008

I don’t care what the show is, or what the commercial is for, I can’t get enough of monkeys on T.V. No not the music group from back in the day, but our closest relatives in the animal kingdom. I know some of you are like “Wait Haze, monkeys have tails, and apes such as chimpanzees and gorillas don’t. Get it right.” I say it doesn’t matter to me. They are all awesome. Like when they wear suits and act like they are reading newspapers.I saw a video on YouTube where a guy taught a monkey how to do Karate. It was the best video ever. The monkey was chopping boards in half and everything.

I like the commercials for the job finding website (whose name I forget because I’m too busy laughing at monkeys) with the man who works in the office with all the monkeys. The guy is always trying to do work, but the monkeys are having fun, and the man gets mad. After one of these commercials goes off, I always wish that I could work in that office.

I was telling someone that I wish I could work in that office and they were like “NO HAZE!! That would suck! They would be throwing their crap at you, and looking up porn on your computer, and not the good porn. Then they would eat your lunch and try to fight you.” That was one of the times I wish I had my uppercut monkey. *you know who you are, Monkey Hater ..2*

It would not go down like that. First of all, if a monkey is smart enough to work in an office, it will know how to go to a bathroom. Even still, if a monkey is awesome enough to get the drop on me, I deserve to get monkey crap thrown at me. About the monkeys looking up porn on my cpu at the office, I wouldn’t mind. They might know of some great sites. I would let the office monkeys look up porn. I’m most likely looking at porn anyways.Well… I don’t know about that one. They might be looking at that stuff that comes on Discovery. It’s always some animals humping. I want to see people doing it with each other. I think I would just laugh at animals doing it, because it’s funny. Oh yeah, as for a monkey eating my lunch….. Like I said earlier, if a monkey can get the drop on me and steal my lunch and eat it, then I don’t deserve to have a lunch for that day.

Alls I’m saying is, let me work in an office with monkeys. Some people say they work with a bunch of monkeys, then when I drop by the office for lunch with that person(secretly trying to look at monkeys in suits) all I see is regular humans reading newspapers and throwing crap at each other.

Paragraph breaks provided by Mrs. Dixion’s 9th grade English class.

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Uppercut

February 29, 2008

Once I win the lottery, I am going to buy a monkey. I will train it to uppercut people. It will be awesome. I will build a backpack with a step ladder on it. It will convert to a chair when it’s on my back, so the uppercut monkey can ride around on my back. When it’s uppercut time the uppercut monkey will get down, pull out the step ladder and uppercut someone. The first few uppercuts will be filmed for the internet.

After it catches on, I will get a T.V. Show. It’ll be like “Who Wants to be A Millionaire” except it will be called “Who Wants to get Uppercuted by a Strong Monkey”. The show will be a hit, and Regis will want to host the week long prime time special.

Some people keep telling me that I HAVE NOT thought this out. They are all like “The monkey will get too strong and uppercut you in your sleep.”, or “You will come home and it will be behind the door waiting to uppercut you.” “Not true!” I say to them. You see, I will only teach the monkey to uppercut with one arm. It will have a super powerful uppercut arm and the other arm will be regular monkey size. It will be easy. Once I walk through the door, I’ll know that the monkey is there.

From the research I have done(watching Animal Planet) I know that a monkey is not good at hiding. Anyways, I will dodge the super monkey uppercut arm and counter with an uppercut of my own. Since it is a monkey, it will go about 5 feet in the air. when it lands, I will tell it “Nice try Uppercut Monkey, but I was uppercutting animals long before you were born.”

As for me being asleep when the uppercut monkey comes to get me, I will have an uppercut machine built into my bedroom. It will have a boxing glove on a spring loaded stick that will pop out when the uppercut monkey gets too close to the bed. Yes, there is no monkey that will ever get the drop on me. ANYWAYS, my T.V. show will win an Emmy or two, and I will retire the original uppercut monkey. Then I will have a reality show to find the next uppercut monkey. It will be awsome. I will take a camera crew to the jungle and find the next monkey with the most devestating uppercut potential.

Yup, my future is pretty secure. Do me a favor and keep your eyes open for any sweet deals on monkeys for sale.


Boobs and Me

February 29, 2008

I have been thinking for a while about something. I may need some help. Here’s how I got started. It is raining today and not everyone has an umbrella or a jacket, so some people are going to get wet. I was sitting around a hallway looking at people come into and leave the building. Seeing as how the day started off pretty decent, it’s understandable that some folks didn’t have an anti-rain device or outer covering.

So as I am standing around, I was looking at some of the women who had gotten wet. I wasn’t actually looking at the whole woman, but just one area in particular….. Yes that’s right, the chest. I was captivated. I couldn’t look away… I began to think that I was sick in the head, but I glanced up from one chest and saw a three other guys doing the same thing as me. What is it about women’s breasts that are so captivating? I mean any time there is cleavage, I HAVE to look. Even if the woman is the meanest ugliest person, if there’s a lil bit showin’… I’ll look. But why? I don’t know.

I figured that if I posted this question, someone with some schooling behind the answer would help me out. Or someone might have seen one of thoes specials on Discovery and can say “..and it’s because of this, so looking at boobs is a-o-k”
Please someone, help me justify looking at breasts, both naked and covered… and slightly covered.


Revenge of the Interwebnetz

February 29, 2008

I like to think of myself as a somewhat smart guy. I sometimes do some dumb stuff, but who doesn’t? I read books other than comic books, I watch the news, I know whats going on in the world.

As far as dumb stuff goes, I may have hit the all time low. I am going to blame it on boredom. I finished up some of my work kinda early, and had a few moments of unsupervised Hayes time. Did I do anything constructive? hahaha! Of course not! I just spent about an hour and a half looking at a cat play with it’s own butthole. Then there was a link on the same page that went to a monkey throwing poop at people in India (it might not have been India, but that’s what it looked like to me).

I have to retract my statement from earlier. That was not dumb stuff, nor was it an all time low. I may have just had one of the most creative and random goof-off sessions ever. If I were to list some of the things I looked at in the past few hours, I might be pleased.(that also sounds like a fun way to extend the powerful goof-off session)

So in no particular order, unless stated, here are some of the things I have looked at today:

  • cat playing with own butthole
  • monkey throwing crap
  • Brittany Spears BABY-TOSS game
  • pirates vs ninjas- (online survey of who would win)
  • a game where I had to make my guy punch a donkey on the nuts faster than a hillbilly
  • hoes in socks
  • a site about Mexicans who want to take California back from white people
  • a zoo keeper who’s head gets stuck up an elephant’s butthole

This list is just what I can remember off the top of my head right now. I’m sure when I’m talking to somebody about something ‘important’ one of the other random things I was looking at will pop into my head, and I will lose my place in said conversation. Oh well. I also pose a question to whoever is reading this now… Why are animal-butt jokes and video clips so damn funny?


Plans for the Cash #34

February 29, 2008

I was watching a show on Discovery a little while ago, and it got me to thinking. I have a large sum of money coming to me in the near future (NC State Lotto), and I have been thinking about what I am going to do with that money. I thought about getting a monkey, and training it to uppercut people. I also am going to hire a team of scientist and make them build me a giant robot. There are other plans for my lotto money, but this may be the idea that keeps the money rolling in.

I am going to buy a huge plot of land in the mid-west somewhere. When I say huge, I mean like 500 acres. I’m going to build a theme park/resort. It will be the greatest park in our known galaxy. ‘What ever will you call it?’ you are prolly asking yourself right now. I will name it Hayes’ Thugged-out Action Fun Zoo Park Land World. It will be more fun than All of the Disney Land Worlds put together. ‘And just why will it be so great?’ You’re prolly asking yourself right now. Well I’ll tell you why, because I made it. That’s why. It will have all the fun stuff I think is great.

It will have a golf course, driving range, a zoo (full of kick-ass dangerous animals), a shooting range, race tracks (a quarter mile drag strip, and a kick-ass Indy style track… sorry no NASCAR), fun roller coaster rides, a strip club or three, a beer river, a bottomless pit, 20 restaurants, a mountain, a UFC fighting cage, Holiday Land (where everyday is a holliday), Ninja Land (where real ninjas live and try to kill all who enter), a Chuck Norris shrine (we must always make offerings to The Bringer of the Round-house Kick), Battle Animal Land (where super dangerous animals from the zoo square off against each other in deadly battles), and 12 hotels ranging in quality from ‘shit hole’ to ‘5 star awsomeness’.

This park will also serve as the base for the greatest organization of all time HFC (if you don’t know about the HFC, you really need to ask someone). In the HFC complex, it will be business as usual. My scientist will be working on the next great discoveries, like combining animal DNA to create new and dangerous killer animal species.


The Places We Live

February 29, 2008

My House!

I’ve been thinking about the places I’ve lived throughout the years, and I’m wondering if some of yalls’ hoods have some stuff in common with mine. I’m going to list out some stuff. Let me know how much of this stuff is in your hood.

1. Cat Lady. You know the lady with either a million cats all over the place (and when you go to see her, you get cat hair all over you.. even if you don’t go in her house- she has a cat hair-shield that attacks any non-cats) or one cat that she treats like a human. She puts little shirts and cat-pants on it… or like a little stupid hat.

2. Ghost Neighbor. The person who lives in the house/apartment that never has any lights on at night, but you know someone lives there(even though you have never seen anyone move in or out.) You never see the person pull up, or drive away… then all of a sudden you look outside and there is Neighbor Ghost looking at you like you are wrong.

3. Crack-head/ Junkie. I say junkie cause now with folks doin Meth and smack or whatever the hell you call them new crazy ass drugs, crack is not the worst drug anymore(don’t get it twisted crack-heads, yall still need a well placed uppercut to the splean). Even if you live in a ‘nice’ neighborhood, there are prolly some junkies around there.

4. Pervert/Sex Fiend. This one is hard to spot sometimes. Sometimes this one is hard when you spot him. For a while they thought it was me in my neighborhood, but that’s not it at all. I just don’t give a fuck. Sometimes when you come over, I might be nekkid. That’s how I roll. It’s my crib. If folks don’t like it, then go away. Don’t come in and be trying not to stare, then get mad later like “damn Haze was naked with his dong all hanging out making grilled cheese sandwiches…pervert”

5. The Borrower. This is my least favorite of all. These bastards come by all friendly like ”hey neighbor… how you doin?… can I borrow some ground beef?” or something equally stupid. Then when you say NO, they get mad like ‘why can’t I use your stuff? You asshole.” (that’s when they get the ninja monkey uppercut from behind the bushes)

6. The Wild-ass Strong Baby. Yes baby, not kid or child…. baby… no older than 3. The one that you see shoot out of the car seat before the car has stopped… By the time the car has stopped the baby has already; tipped over 2 garbage cans,
broke somebody’s mailbox, drop-kicked the sweater off Cat Lady’s Persian Tabby, and threw a cinder block through Pervert’s un-marked van window. The baby be off the hook, and you can always hear him/her coming.

That’s all the ones I can think of right now. I know I left out a ton. lemme know who’s in your neighborhood!


Getting things going.

February 28, 2008

So, I’m going to give this blogging stuff a good try. It seems pretty cool, and trendy. I am not cool and trendy, so maybe this will elevate my status some.

Real talk, if anyone even reads any of the crap I type in, I will be very surprised.

I put my business card on this blog, I think. This is my first try at messing with pictures and words on the interwebznet. It’ll be nice if it shows up.

*the email is fake, so don’t try it. I think hazero@gmail has had enough people messing with Why nobody hires the Hayeshim/her*