I just took a dump at work, and it was epic. I was wearing a sweater, and had to take it, and my shirt underneath off, Costanza style. I think I crapped out (in no particular order) an innertube, cinder block, a small cactus, every piece of gum I’ve ever swallowed in life.

It was so massive, I floated off the seat when I was done. If anyone goes in tere in the next half hour, they might die.

It’s one of the most relentless, punishing games I have ever played. I have never had so much fun getting killed over and over in a game before. If you are not a weak bitch, and think you are good at video games, go buy Demon’s Souls.

I love video games. I always have.

It all started for me back in the early 80’s. Atari was my babysitter. during the Tron years, my mother was friends with a couple who owned a small corner store, and they had 2 arcade machines there; Tron and Ms Pacman. Being that they owned the machines, they let me play for free. I remember having to sell my soul to help convince parents/guardians to drive my friends and I to one of the better arcades, the Fun Factory*. Before memory cards and HDDs, we would have sleepovers and stay up all night trying to beat a game because there were no saves.

Anyways, enough of memory lane. I still love playing video games, and unless I get arthritis, I will keep playing games till they pry the controller out of my dead hands (only to bury me with it, so my ghost has something to do).

So being a fan of video games, I figured I would share which games I’m playing now and which ones I’m looking out for in the future. As gamer for life, I have played most genres, and since I’m CarolinaHaze, my opinion is worth 5 of anybody else’s.

So, First off, here’s what I have in rotation now:

• Fallout 3 (playing through the DLC** that was just released for PS3)
• Katamari Forever
• Street Fighter 4
• NCAA College Football 10
• Killzone 2 (DLC boosted the life of this already great shooter)

On the PSP, I’m playing

• Monster Hunter Freedom Unite
• Metal Gear Ac!d 2
• Dissidia: Final Fantasy

Lately it’s been more Fallout 3 than anything. That game has a great story, if you don’t mind playing for the extra story as the main quests are pretty linear.

As I type this, tomorrow, Tuesday, October 6, Demon’s Souls come out in the US. I have it pre-ordered and will pick it up directly after work. Then a few days later, there is another set of DLC for Fallout 3. I may pass on these for a while because the following Tuesday, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves will be out. I will be playing that like it’s my religion. I was in the public beta for it earlier this year and I know it’s going to be great.

So, with saying all that, friends and family, don’t be mad when I don’t show up to your kid’s play/sports event/birthday party or your trendy vegan dinner party/house warming/wine tasting fucking whatever it is I always get invited to. This season is spoken for. I’ll see yall at Thanksgiving/Christmas.

I have am going to feature some actors and actresses that I think kick ass. First up is Patrick Stewart. He is trained as a Shakespearian actor and he’s funny as balls. Even tho  the interwebs dissed me and hid away any clips from the epic Saturday Night Live episode with him as the guest host, I still managed to find some stuff to show y’all.

here he is on an HBO show Extras, as himself.

He’s Professor X in the X-Men movies. Nobody else on earth could have played that role. Stewart nailed it. He’s awesome. If you don’t think so, eat a bag of dicks.

My cousin and I were talking about stuff over a game of NCAA Football 10 (I fucking lost it in the 4th) and he recommended that I see a movie called Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach. Cousin Brock is usually spot on with what he suggests, so I went to check out a trailer for it.

EDIT: youtube took down the trailer I had here… sad panda.

YES! This is just what I want to see! Really, no matter how old I get, dick and fart jokes will never be old, and from the looks of the trailer, there might even be some titties in this one… they could be some old hooker tits, or maybe even midget tits… but whatever.

This one went straight to DVD/BluRay. I’m going to rent this one after work today. I’ll let the 4 of you who read the garbage I type know if it’s any good or not.

UPDATE!! OK, I watched this movie and had a pretty good laugh. It’s full of crude humor and dick jokes. I love the music that plays when the main dude is about to do something stupid/funny/ambiguosly gay. It’s a good movie if you need an easy laugh, girls might not see whats so funny about it.

Hey yall. I been gone for a bit (like anybody reads this shit). I come with gifts of awesome and win.

Ok. Let’s start with the actionz. I love fight movies. More specifically martial arts movies both old school and new. For the longest time the best ones came from the Hong Kong studios. A few years ago I saw a Thai movie called Ong Bak, and it blew me away. After a little research from myself and a member of the ACTION Team, TigerGlock, we found that Ong Bak was not an anomaly and there are some beast ass movies coming out of Thailand.

In 2008, a prettydope movie came out called Chocolate, tarring a hot and cute little Thai chick named Jija Yanin. Before I go any further, Chocolate is fucking great. I’m not going to discribe it, because I’m a lazy bastard. Read about it here, and look at this trailer for it (it’s not in English…) Oh, they do all their own stunts and you can see them get really hurt in the out takes. They get +9670 on the badass scale for that.

So, I’m dicking around on the interwebs looking for “MOAR AKSHUN!” and I came across this next movie from the cute Jija Yanin, directed by the dude who brought us Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong, Prachya Pinkaew. It is called Raging Phoenix. Like me and most fight movies, I could give a shit about plot so don’t ask me what the fuck it’s about. This movie looks very badass to me. I can’t wait to see it. Check out Raging Phoenix:

Awesome, right? Yeah you know it’s going to be badass.

And now a website that cuts out a bunch of bullshit. Titty City. I like this. We need more sites like this, but with some more black/brown girls and nothing but tits and asses. L8r yall

Every time I think about some of the weird stuff that floats thru my head, I sometimes say to myself “holy shit, I might need some professional helpz”. Then I take a look at Craigslist and I feel 100% better about my mental state.

Seriously, there’s some crazy ass mofos out there and browsing Craigslist will make you feel good about how not fucked up you are.

I have picked out some choice ads, let me show you it.

Illegal Love *wtf does the roommate do with the tampons?*

A Sure Thing? *Ok yall, I’ll give this guy credit. At least he knows she puts out.

Crazy Love * they might have something in common*

ummmm? *your guess is as good as mine…. but I’m more concerned about the neighbor with the stopwatch…*

Clueless *wow. just wow. Next time somebody tries to make you feel dumb about some shit, remember this and know that no matter how slow or clueless you might feel at the time, you are not the clueless wife from this ad*

Fair Request *This might be the most normal ad. Wu-Tang makes anything reasonable.

That was good. Look at this next.

Every time the internet lets me down, and serves up piles of weak ass FAIL, I lose hope, then I come across a site like this , and all faith in the power of the internetz is restored. You are a commie bastard if you don’t like explotions and boobs.

I was looking around on the interwebs for… not shit. Anyways, I came across what I thought was one of the worst local TV commercials ever in the history of TV. But with clever use of implied nudity, a good down shirt partial boob shot, and 2 cute girls, I’m convinced it’s pure genius. I can’t stop looking at it, and I know where I would be on the 24th of May, if I lived in Orlando.

Everything is bad in this commercial, but the girls in it make me feel special in my pants area. The girl on the left is naked behind that paper. After they get done talking about the job fair, they make out hardcore style.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I freaking love movies with badass fight scenes in them. I have watched some super shitty movies, because I thought there might be a badass fight in it. I have even watched foreign movies, with no subtitles, because the fights were just that awesome.

So, today I am going to post up some of my favorite fight scenes. I’ll try to list the movie and actors for all of them, but some of the foreign joints are written in that super crazy writing style that looks like 100 stick men fighting, so I’ll do my best on those.

Oh yeah, if you have any fights I should go look at, let me know.. anyways, here we go, in no particular order:

Jackie Chan vs Benny “the Jet” Urquidez from the movie Wheels on Meals. This is made way before Jackie Chan was popular in the U.S. I saw this after I saw Rumble in the Bronx, and decided that Rumble was dumbed down for American audiences.

This is the last fight from Buddhist Fist. If you consider yourself a fan of Kung-fu movies, then you should see this, if you haven’t already. It’s some old-school work from director Yuen Wu Ping. this fight is Shun-Si Yuen vs Siu Ming Tsui. The story to the movie is actually very good too.

This is the end fight from Magic Crystal. Andy Lau and Cynthia Rathrock (yes, China O’Brein from the cheesey 80’s movies) VS Richard Norton. This movie is full of super dope scenes, but I love it because of how Norton works the hell out of the Japanese Sai. Also note Rathrock’s awesome form. She uses Eagle’s Claw and Mantis Fist early in the fight. Why didn’t she beat ass like this in the China O’Brein movies?Also, Norton busts out some classic Wing Chun too.

I need to start a new site just for fights that kick ass…. or something. There’s so much badass choreography out there.

Ok, last one goes to the ladies. One of my all time favorite female martial arts stars is Yukari Oshima. This is her as the badguy fighting Moon Lee in the movie Iron Angel