Fear and Respect… but Mostly Fear

Fear and respect. I think of these two things when I think about wild lions and tigers, or silver-back gorillas. Some people think about other powerful animals, that could easily kill them, with fear and respect. I think about Bill McDonald when I think about fear and respect. I want to let everyone who is not a resident of eastern NC know about the glorious majesty and sheer gut wrenching horror that is Bill McDonald.

Some people ask me “Why do you compliment him and insult him in the same sentence?”

My answer is this: he is no mortal man. (because he hears all in his domain)

To help you understand, I have done some research with some friends of mine (Kelvin and Derilickt). We have put some of our more interesting finds into a nice list for you. Photos will be added as I get the hang of using a computer (for more than downloading porn and video games).

Facts about Bill McDonald:

On the weekends he paddles a canoe made from melted Gatorade bottles up and down the Tar River. He feeds off of fish he catches with his beard.

He has a jacket made out of dolphin skin, manatee fins and orphan tears.

He was once arrested for looking at a kiddie-porn magazine but was quickly released. He thought he was reading a menu.

He sweats ground beef and cries A-1sauce. (we’re speculating on the A-1sauce, as no one has EVER seen Bill McDonald cry).

fig 1. Has won Pimp of the Year award for the last 13 years.

His favorite snack is gorilla heart.

The movie “Dawn of the Dead” is really a docudrama about Bill McDonald’s 3rd grade science project.

He has participated in every major armed conflict since 1320.

He invented the clock radio.

fig 2. Armed only with his hand-crafted guitar, Bill McDonald wins WWII by destroying Hiroshima and Nagasaki. *Extra Fact* While listening to historic recordings at the library, guitarist Jimmy Page was inspired to learn the guitar. Parts of “Stairway to Heaven” contain some of Bill McDonald’s weaker compositions from back then.

Power Bird

I have always had a love for animals. They are cool when they are trained. As a child, I had a number of dogs and cats. My mother is allergic to them, so they had to stay out of the house. After a while I stopped with the pets. I have always wanted to get a new pet, but I can’t seem to plan a time to go get one, or figure out what kind of pet I want.

Today, I have seen the light, thanks to a friend of mine (Derelickt). He showed me a video of my next pet.

Look at this fucking bird!!!

(I hope this vid works. I’m not too knowledgeable about putting vids into stuff)

So, yeah. I want a powerful bird, like the eagle from this vid. I can’t begin to imagine the fun we could have. People say birds are stupid, hence the phrase “bird brain”. Lets see you call this bird stupid to it’s face, and do it unarmed. Even with a gun, I think this bird will rip the gun from your hands, and toss your hating ass off a cliff (if you are indeed an attack-bird hater).

To those of you who know me, I will answer the question burning in your minds right now.

“CarolinaHaze, how are you going to get money with an attack bird?”

The question should be “will you ever stop getting paid off that bird?” If I give away all my bird-money plans in this public blog (even though nobody reads my ramblings), there will be hundreds of giant half robot eagles wreaking havoc across the globe, grabbing up babies and shopping carts.

We can’t have that. The first thing I’m going to teach my bird is how to spot take-out bags of food. I mean, who would be on the lookout for a giant power eagle that steals bags of food? I will start training it on some light weight stuff like Wendy’s or Burger King Bags. Next, we’ll kick it up a notch and I’ll teach it to carry Chinese food take-out trays. Pretty soon, I’ll have it powerful enough to snatch up pizza delivery bag/boxes (that weird half sack-half box thing that keeps the pizzas warm).

This is my idea. If you see a bird flying off with a burger or a thing of fries, it’s prolly one of my new pets working for it’s food by feeding me. Ahhhhh… nature is great.

A bird with a nasty mean streak is best to start training. Birds that can use flamethrowers are even better

****HEY!!! If you or somebody you know can tell me how to embed the video into the post, instead of linking to it, please tell me how!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!11!!111!!!!oneoneone!!!!1