One of The Most Epic IMs Ever

I give you Fart Baby: The IM

Haze of Carolina (3:23:14 PM): i think i just gave this pregnant lady’s baby brain damage

kingkobra (3:23:24 PM): u farted?

Haze of Carolina (3:23:24 PM): i went into her office and farted a “had chilli at lunch” fart

kingkobra (3:23:33 PM): ew

Haze of Carolina (3:23:36 PM): it smelled like old beans and roast goat ass

kingkobra (3:24:28 PM): did she say anything?

Haze of Carolina (3:24:53 PM): no, but i think she was just afraid to open her mouth

kingkobra (3:25:03 PM): lol

Haze of Carolina (3:25:03 PM): her eyes started watering up

Haze of Carolina (3:25:16 PM): i left and closed the door behind me

kingkobra (3:25:28 PM): u my good sir…are a bastard

kingkobra (3:25:40 PM): that is something you do to people you hate

Haze of Carolina (3:26:02 PM): that’s for my co-workers. it’s a fun game we play

kingkobra (3:26:08 PM): lol

Haze of Carolina (3:26:15 PM): i do stuff to them and they get mad

kingkobra (3:26:25 PM): see how long you can stay in a room with a chili fart before you take your own life

Haze of Carolina (3:26:41 PM): lol

Haze of Carolina (3:28:23 PM): yes. i win. she sprayed herself in the face with some aerisol air freshener

kingkobra (3:29:13 PM): she might give birth to a baby that can create super farts

kingkobra (3:29:22 PM): kinda like falling in toxic waste

Haze of Carolina (3:34:20 PM): yes… or a baby that depends on farts to stay alive

kingkobra (3:34:47 PM): lol

kingkobra (3:34:51 PM): a fart breather

kingkobra (3:35:23 PM): he would need like a contraption that has a hose that runs from his but to his nostrils

Haze of Carolina (3:35:41 PM): people would have to harvest fart gas for him

Haze of Carolina (3:36:26 PM): 100s of whale and manatee asses all hooked up to fart tanks

kingkobra (3:37:09 PM): they would have a telethon for him…and people would contribute up to 100 farts

Haze of Carolina (3:38:40 PM): if he couldnt afford the tanks, he’d turn to a life of crime. instead of raping chicks, he feeds them broccoli and beans

kingkobra (3:39:26 PM): and he would recruit suicide bombers to hit the beano factories

Haze of Carolina (3:39:36 PM): lol

Haze of Carolina (3:39:52 PM): that might cause a fart holocaust

Haze of Carolina (3:40:15 PM): rot out the o-zone and send us into nuclear fart winter

kingkobra (3:40:20 PM): there would be a flatulent fallout

Haze of Carolina (3:40:24 PM): haahaa

Haze of Carolina (3:40:48 PM): the mutants wouldn’t be dangerous, they would just stink

kingkobra (3:44:22 PM): i wonder if a fart breather has gills?

kingkobra (3:44:37 PM): i kinda think of the thing from hell boy…that fish dude

Haze of Carolina (3:44:59 PM): maybe if he lives underwater he breathes shark farts

kingkobra (3:46:51 PM): and if his life of crime doesn’t pan out, he could cut a record deal by playing the butt trumpet

yes, there’s more to this one… to be continued…

You Remember This One?

I like watching movies, but lately Hollywood has been shitting on me. 2012? seriously? That boring ass Paranormal Activity… trash. G.I. Joe? That movie raped the shit out of the awesome that was the Real American Hero. Transformers 2… fucking crappy fx porn with a goat ass story thrown in. A planned remake of the Karate Kid? With Will Smith’s kid as Daniel-son… fucking garbage.

Outside of Zombieland, I have been super pissed after leaving the movies this year. So, I have been watching movies from back in the day that I remember loving. Some of them didn’t stand up to the test of time and I wanted to boot myself in the face for liking it back then (uuuggghhh pure fucking garbage). Then there where the “classics”. The movies that are still great and have aged quite well. Movies like The Dirty Dozen, Gremlins , Jaws, Drunken Master, just to name a few, have remained fantastic examples of badassedness. They never get old, and I can always watch them.

Anyways, I was thinking about some great movies from back in the day, and Flash Gordon poped into my head. I had not seen it in years and years. As I thought about it, all I really could remember was the main Flash Gordon theme song (penned by the mighty Queen). So, I found a copy and watched the movie. It was fantastic! The movie captures the camp and tone of the original serial comic strip perfectly. Hell, it’s got Timothy Dalton AND Brian Blessed in it!

Did I mention Queen did the soundtrack?!? The music for Flash Gordon rocks pretty fucking hard. Like make you want to get hyped up and fly a jet speeder into battle with winged warriors and attack a War Rocket manned by space warriors. YES!

In my humble opinion, of all the bullshit they pick to rape for more money with little effort “remake” I hope they leave this movie alone (which they probbably will…). This one is good as is.

Find this one at your local video store, or Netflix it. Get you some purple, some popcorn and a few friends and have a great time watching a classic fucking movie.

PHEWWWW!!!!!

I just took a dump at work, and it was epic. I was wearing a sweater, and had to take it, and my shirt underneath off, Costanza style. I think I crapped out (in no particular order) an inner tube, cinder block, a small cactus, every piece of gum I’ve ever swallowed in life and 4 chicken bones.

It was so massive, I floated off the seat when I was done. If anyone goes in there in the next half hour, they might die.

Demon’s Souls

It’s one of the most relentless, punishing games I have ever played. I have never had so much fun getting killed over and over in a game before. If you are not a weak bitch, and think you are good at video games, go buy Demon’s Souls.

Videeyuh games

I love video games. I always have.

It all started for me back in the early 80’s. Atari was my babysitter. during the Tron years, my mother was friends with a couple who owned a small corner store, and they had 2 arcade machines there; Tron and Ms Pacman. Being that they owned the machines, they let me play for free. I remember having to sell my soul to help convince parents/guardians to drive my friends and I to one of the better arcades, the Fun Factory*. Before memory cards and HDDs, we would have sleepovers and stay up all night trying to beat a game because there were no saves.

Anyways, enough of memory lane. I still love playing video games, and unless I get arthritis, I will keep playing games till they pry the controller out of my dead hands (only to bury me with it, so my ghost has something to do).

So being a fan of video games, I figured I would share which games I’m playing now and which ones I’m looking out for in the future. As gamer for life, I have played most genres, and since I’m CarolinaHaze, my opinion is worth 5 of anybody else’s.

So, First off, here’s what I have in rotation now:

• Fallout 3 (playing through the DLC** that was just released for PS3)
• Katamari Forever
• Street Fighter 4
• NCAA College Football 10
• Killzone 2 (DLC boosted the life of this already great shooter)

On the PSP, I’m playing

• Monster Hunter Freedom Unite
• Metal Gear Ac!d 2
• Dissidia: Final Fantasy

Lately it’s been more Fallout 3 than anything. That game has a great story, if you don’t mind playing for the extra story as the main quests are pretty linear.

As I type this, tomorrow, Tuesday, October 6, Demon’s Souls come out in the US. I have it pre-ordered and will pick it up directly after work. Then a few days later, there is another set of DLC for Fallout 3. I may pass on these for a while because the following Tuesday, Uncharted 2: Among Thieves will be out. I will be playing that like it’s my religion. I was in the public beta for it earlier this year and I know it’s going to be great.

So, with saying all that, friends and family, don’t be mad when I don’t show up to your kid’s play/sports event/birthday party or your trendy vegan dinner party/house warming/wine tasting fucking whatever it is I always get invited to. This season is spoken for. I’ll see yall at Thanksgiving/Christmas.

Best Actor Ever pt1

I have am going to feature some actors and actresses that I think kick ass. First up is Patrick Stewart. He is trained as a Shakespearian actor and he’s funny as balls. Even tho  the interwebs dissed me and hid away any clips from the epic Saturday Night Live episode with him as the guest host, I still managed to find some stuff to show y’all.

here he is on an HBO show Extras, as himself.

He’s Professor X in the X-Men movies. Nobody else on earth could have played that role. Stewart nailed it. He’s awesome. If you don’t think so, eat a bag of dicks.

I look at non-action movies sometimes.

My cousin and I were talking about stuff over a game of NCAA Football 10 (I fucking lost it in the 4th) and he recommended that I see a movie called Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach. Cousin Brock is usually spot on with what he suggests, so I went to check out a trailer for it.

EDIT: youtube took down the trailer I had here… sad panda.

YES! This is just what I want to see! Really, no matter how old I get, dick and fart jokes will never be old, and from the looks of the trailer, there might even be some titties in this one… they could be some old hooker tits, or maybe even midget tits… but whatever.

This one went straight to DVD/BluRay. I’m going to rent this one after work today. I’ll let the 4 of you who read the garbage I type know if it’s any good or not.

UPDATE!! OK, I watched this movie and had a pretty good laugh. It’s full of crude humor and dick jokes. I love the music that plays when the main dude is about to do something stupid/funny/ambiguosly gay. It’s a good movie if you need an easy laugh, girls might not see whats so funny about it.

Action and Tits

Hey yall. I been gone for a bit (like anybody reads this shit). I come with gifts of awesome and win.

Ok. Let’s start with the actionz. I love fight movies. More specifically martial arts movies both old school and new. For the longest time the best ones came from the Hong Kong studios. A few years ago I saw a Thai movie called Ong Bak, and it blew me away. After a little research from myself and a member of the ACTION Team, TigerGlock, we found that Ong Bak was not an anomaly and there are some beast ass movies coming out of Thailand.

In 2008, a prettydope movie came out called Chocolate, tarring a hot and cute little Thai chick named Jija Yanin. Before I go any further, Chocolate is fucking great. I’m not going to discribe it, because I’m a lazy bastard. Read about it here, and look at this trailer for it (it’s not in English…) Oh, they do all their own stunts and you can see them get really hurt in the out takes. They get +9670 on the badass scale for that.

So, I’m dicking around on the interwebs looking for “MOAR AKSHUN!” and I came across this next movie from the cute Jija Yanin, directed by the dude who brought us Ong Bak and Tom Yum Goong, Prachya Pinkaew. It is called Raging Phoenix. Like me and most fight movies, I could give a shit about plot so don’t ask me what the fuck it’s about. This movie looks very badass to me. I can’t wait to see it. Check out Raging Phoenix:

Awesome, right? Yeah you know it’s going to be badass.

And now a website that cuts out a bunch of bullshit. Titty City. I like this. We need more sites like this, but with some more black/brown girls and nothing but tits and asses. L8r yall

Just when I thought life couldn’t be weirder…

Every time I think about some of the weird stuff that floats thru my head, I sometimes say to myself “holy shit, I might need some professional helpz”. Then I take a look at Craigslist and I feel 100% better about my mental state.

Seriously, there’s some crazy ass mofos out there and browsing Craigslist will make you feel good about how not fucked up you are.

I have picked out some choice ads, let me show you it.

Illegal Love *wtf does the roommate do with the tampons?*

A Sure Thing? *Ok yall, I’ll give this guy credit. At least he knows she puts out.

Crazy Love * they might have something in common*

ummmm? *your guess is as good as mine…. but I’m more concerned about the neighbor with the stopwatch…*

Clueless *wow. just wow. Next time somebody tries to make you feel dumb about some shit, remember this and know that no matter how slow or clueless you might feel at the time, you are not the clueless wife from this ad*

Fair Request *This might be the most normal ad. Wu-Tang makes anything reasonable.

That was good. Look at this next.

The Interwebz wins again.

Every time the internet lets me down, and serves up piles of weak ass FAIL, I lose hope, then I come across a site like this , and all faith in the power of the internetz is restored. You are a commie bastard if you don’t like explotions and boobs.